Shifty Ways To Leave Your Lover: New Service Slings Breakup Texts For You

So, Valentine's Day was just about a month you now rue the one you wooed?  Still need to kick your winter covers-buddy out from under the comforter and make them face the harsh, lengthening daylight in which you will not continue to require their snuggling services (at least until it gets cold again?)  However, are you a pussy who can't break up with someone to their face, and needs a tech-inclined service to do it for them?  Well, look no further, you lamentable lover.

He's texting an internet company how much he hates you right now.
You should go.
(Image courtesy

According to CNN, a new service called The Breakup Shop will handle your heartbreak...well, the heartbreak you're about to bestow on someone, anyway.  It's a relative bargain compared to, you know, acting like a goddamn sentient human being that gives more than a fleeting notion to emotion - only $10 for a breakup text, and $29 for a breakup phone call.  Hell, if you hate a person enough to ditch them via any form of phone interaction, you've probably spent more than that on enough sleeping pills and/or booze just to give yourself an excuse to dodge their sexual advances.

They have a multilingual team, to help you ghost that hot exchange student whom you're now exchanging for a more exotic one.  They work with any possible combination of genders and sexual preferences, because in this modern world, people of all kinds can learn to hate each other to an extent that would require a complete cessation of communication.

It's like no one even tries for the viciously-impassioned-marriage-turned-divorce
-turned-pseudo-publicity-stunt-remarriage-the-next-year type of love anymore.
(Image courtesy

Invented by Evan and Mackenzie Keast, a pair of brothers from Canada,  the two are simply businessmen who are fulfilling a needed niche in a world where relationships can start (and end) in a text inbox.  "We didn't invent the breakup; we didn't invent love; we didn't invent unhappiness. They're all going to happen," Mackenzie Keast said. "That's the reality of breakups. Sometimes, some people will be unhappy. Period."

Incidentally, the brothers are also working on an app called Backup Plan, which is a service for singles who aren't interested in a present-tense partner, but may be willing to acquiesce to their advances at a certain time in the future (say, by age 65, or in the event of an asteroid apocalypse.)

Who says romance is dead?

Millennials, this is why actual adults won't date you.
(Image courtesy

No comments:

Post a Comment