Gin + Rummy = A Winston Churchill-Themed Solitaire App From Donald Rumsfeld?

Almost everyone these days has a favorite game on their portable device or computer, and more are invented by the day.  But if you want something a little more classic than Angry Birds, yet something that also smacks of insidious military domination, well, Donald Rumsfeld has got a new game for you.

The angriest bird of all is that which represents a deceived American public.
(Image courtesy memes.com.)

According to NPR, the game is called Churchill Solitaire, and was taught to Rumsfeld by Belgian diplomat who claimed Churchill had taught it to him personally.  Instead of traditional solitaire, it utilizes two decks of cards, ten rows of cards, and an extra stash of six cards called "The Devil's Six" which can influence your strategy.  Rumsfeld, the former Secretary of Defense for six years of the Bush administration, had time to mastermind the game in the same way that he helped mastermind a decade-long, multi-pronged assault on two nations that ultimately left the United States trillions of dollars in debt.

The actual Devil's Six pile, from top L-R: Former US President George W. Bush, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, former Iraqi Vice Prime Minister Ahmed Chalabi, former US Vice President Dick Cheney, former US Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, and Donald fucking Rumsfeld.
(Image courtesy arabnews.com.)

Despite later claiming he was not expecting democracy to flourish in Iraq (in direct contradiction of statements he made during the initial onslaught of the war in 2003), Rumsfeld had also urged previous presidents into action invading the middle east, surmising that a game of "democratic dominoes" would follow in each violent, often theologically-entrenched regime.  While that particular game faltered to the tune of hundreds of thousands of lives, at least Rumsfeld's attempts at a simple card game app have been somewhat more promising.

As referenced by Russia Insider, Rumsfeld was happy to announce, "I’ve done business, politics, and war. Now I’m trying my hand at mobile gaming."

The public responded enthusiastically in turn.



The attendant comments may well prove to be more entertaining than the game itself.
(Image courtesy russia-insider.com.)

Players begin as a young cadet Churchill at Sandhurst military school, and victories allow you to level up in military rank, all the way to Prime Minister.  Options to challenge friends, family, random opponents, or innocent denizens of oil-rich middle eastern nations are offered.  "Classic graphics and audio" are a built-in tribute to "Sir Winston, his words, and his era." 

Which, to be fair, are pretty awesome.
(Image courtesy celebquote.com.)

 As for difficulty, Rumsfeld claims the game is “probably the most challenging and strategic game of logic or puzzle” he's ever played, which sort of implies that he puts more thoughts into card games than international acts of war.  (That's not us putting words in his mouth...Rumsfeld openly said of Iraq“You begin to look at this thing not like a war, but more like the cold war...You’re not going to win this with bullets, you’re in a competition of ideas.”)

WRONG IDEA, KID!
(Image courtesy en.wikipedia.org.)

As TIME magazine noted, "What Adam Sandler is to Shakespearean acting, what Melissa McCarthy is to Bolshoi ballet, Donald Rumsfeld is to Churchillian strategy."  After having been convicted of war crimes by a tribunal that is unfortunately all the way over in Malaysia, Rumsfeld had laid relatively low in the US, but his crafty attempts at bolstering his legacy were well-noted by TIME, who explained,  "...Rumsfeld’s project involves more than a card game. His gambit has successfully linked his name to the search terms “Churchill” and “strategy” in the vast algorithmic mind of Google—which is, increasingly, the mill where history is rough-hewn."

Speaking of rough-hewn history...
(Image courtesy peterslarson.com.)

Not that those are the only words surrounding the project.  The app, invented by one of the most diabolical men in recent history, hails itself as "the most diabolical version of solitaire ever devised."  It's free, unlike the detainees at Gitmo who have never received a fair trial, despite it supposedly being one of the hallmarks of American justice.  In-app purchases will contribute in part to military veterans and advancing the keywords of Churchill's legacy.

As for the architect, he's pleased at its poison.  "I've enjoyed beating the young folks who have tried to keep up with my score," said Rumsfeld. 

No word on if "score" is a metaphor for "body count."

This one graphic is classier than Rumsfeld's entire continued existence.
(Image courtesy medium.com.)

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